Driver's License--Part 2

"Getting a driver's licence is easy." From Road Transport and Safety Agency of Zambia
Ha! The Road Transport and Safety Agency (RTSA) [pronounced RATS-A] has such a sense of humor!  Here are some other gems from their website:
_____________________________________________________________

What click in people's minds when they hear or think about obtaining a drivers license is the difficulties they are going to face such as long queues that never end and colossal sums of money to pay.   You're kidding... 

YES, they think of spending a lot of money because of approaching wrong persons who have their officers in streets and are not mandated to be issuing drivers license. We promise that you'll spend lots of time and money with legitimate officers...

The procedures are ease and there are no long queues. Muahahahaha.

The good news is that. Mind you, R.T.S.A is your friend and not your enemy. With friends like these...
_____________________________________________________________

So you've memorized your 10 Basic Rules of Driving.  Here's what happens next:


1.  Head on down to the main RTSA office.  You don't know where that is?  Lighten up!  Consider it a scavenger hunt.  Don't look for hints on RTSA's website.  It's not there.

Time: about 4 hours

# of Lines you'll stand in:  8-10

Stuff you'll need:  Originals and copies of work permits, international driver's license, passport, tranquilizers, and cash.

2.  The first thing you'll do is take your theory test.  Someone will quiz you on the 10 Basic Rules of Driving.  If you pass, take your officially stamped sheet and join the hundreds of lost souls trapped in the RTSA labyrinth.


3. After they have sucked your will to live, RTSA will fingerprint and take your photo.  You will need to remove all of your jewelry and look into the camera without smiling.  It's like a crazed mug shot you get to carry with you at all times.

See? Case in point.

Wait, male?  Way to kick me when I'm down.

4. At the end of this you'll be issued a temporary driving license.  Congratulations!


5.  Now you'll need to book your driving test with the RTSA office.  Sorry, you can't schedule that today.  You will need to come back in 24 hours to do this.  BTW the test is held elsewhere, so good luck finding that place.
______________________________________________________
The Driving Test--The Last Hurdle


Let's be frank:  the chances of you passing today are slim to none. All I can do is offer you a list of common "traps" the RTSA officers use to fail drivers.


1.  Don't start your test until the officer has his seatbelt on.  You may have to ask him to buckle up.


2.  Drive with your hands at 10 and 2 o'clock, or 8 and 4 o'clock--it depends on the officer.


3.  Never take your hands off the steering wheel.  Even when you are backing up.


4.  When you turn a corner, DO NOT use the hand-over-hand steering method.  Instead, use the "Push-Pull-Slide" method.  Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about.


5.  Oh, and by the way, the official road test route on the RTSA website is apparently a suggestion.


Here's how Eric and I both failed:
The officer asked us to go through an intersection.  There were three unmarked lanes to choose from, and only one went straight.  The "logical" choice turned out to be a left-turn only lane.


Officer:  I asked you to go straight.


Me: I know.  I didn't know this was a turn lane.  What should I do?


Officer:  Well, you could cross the solid white line and get into the correct lane, but that would be BREAKING THE LAW.


Me:  Ok, then I will take a left-hand turn.


Officer:  Why would you do that?


Me:  Because my option is to break the law or take a left and figure out how to get back.


And that's how I failed.  He wrote on my form:  FAIL--Didn't follow instructions.  For the record, Eric broke the law and crossed the solid white line.


Should this happen to you, don't fret.  You just need to go back to the main RTSA office, pay again and reschedule the test.
______________________________________________________
In a perfect world, I'd be in charge of Zambian driving tests.  Applicants would have to drive down the road and avoid the following hazards:


Level 1) Garbage thrown from trucks.

Look out below!

Level 2) Street vendors walking down the middle of the highway.

Oranges, anyone?

Level 3) Children darting into traffic.

And blind grandmothers.

Level 4) A herd of spastic goats.

Mahhhhhhhhhhh

If you manage to avoid all of these obstacles, I'll pass you.  If not, don't worry.  I'll allow you to retake the test.  However you'll need to schedule your next appointment at our offices conveniently located in Zimbabwe.