No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

"You know that most of the women in jail are probably there because they didn't sleep with their husbands."  --My friend Linda W.

Criminals incognito?

This may or may not be the photo that nearly got me thrown in jail.

Pictured are the tailors who sewed the sanitary napkins that we distributed at the jail for International Women's Day.  We wanted to take a group photo at the end of the occasion.

But here's the deal:  You aren't allowed to take photos in the prison.  Or in the parking lot.  We understood this and respected the rules.

That's why we snapped our photo OUTSIDE the parking lot.  A man, who I assume worked for the prison, ran over and confiscated the camera.

"You!  What do you think you are doing?  I'm calling the police and they will arrest all of you and throw you in jail for 15 years for taking photos of the prison!" he yelled.

"Sir," I said, "Look at the photo.  You can't see the prison."

"I can see the GATE!"  he said.

"Ok, I will delete the photos," I said.

"No," he said as he dangled the camera above his head. "THIS is evidence of your conspiracy."

My Zambian friends were amazing.  They apologized.  They explained.  For 20 minutes or so.

It was a cultural dance that I wasn't in the mood for.  I mean, we'd waited for two hours in the rain in order to distribute the pads, a pair of underwear, and a box of soap to 100 woman.  We'd raised nearly $1500 to do this. (Thanks to all of you who chipped in!)

Besides, I knew the guy had no case against us. Even if I did get arrested, I could get an attorney and get out lickety-split.  Heck, I could just get in my car and drive away.  Believe-you-me, if this was the  gratitude the jail was going to give me, then forget it.

I'd take my charity elsewhere.

Then it dawned on me.  The women who are locked up have to deal with this guy everyday.  And they have no rights; no money for an attorney; no voice.

I'm not saying everyone is innocent, but I am saying that there are women who haven't been charged with a crime*.  For some it's been over a year.


And it was touching when the woman sang in rich harmony as we handed out their gifts.   The female prison guards thanked us for "taking care of their children."

As it turned out, the angry man told me to delete the photos, which was tricky, because it it was not my camera.

My camera was hidden in my pocket, and it had duplicate photos of my friends and our adventure.

The man gave us back the camera and banned us from ever coming back.  

(I may or may not have come back the very next day with supplies for the babies.) 

* For more information read Human Right's Watch's report 

Camping on Crack

This is a lion next to our car.

Camping is simply daring nature to kill you.

I mean, what kind of a person pays to set up a nylon tent in the middle of Kafue National Park with her three children (and two Zambian tag-a-long teens)?

Seriously, we camped a few feet from a river filled with CROCODILES and HIPPOS, in a park where LIONS, LEOPARDS, and ELEPHANTS can wander through the campsite.  There are no fences, people.

Oh, and did I mention the snakes?  Let's see...Black mambas, cobras, green tree snakes, vipers, and puff adders also call this their home.

"Just make sure the kids always walk with an adult," the campground guide warned us.

I encouraged my kids to be on extra-good behavior, because "You never know how Mommy will react if a lion charges us.  She may choose self-preservation."

Photos By Krystel Porter

There is nothing quite like driving around the park looking for wildlife...and then finding lions.   Or watching an elephant flap his ears and trumpet a "It's time ya'll moved along."  Absolutely spectacular.

And it's true.  Much like camping in the States with bears and cougars, the animals usually don't bother humans.  The insects on the other hand...

A murdered Tsetse fly.  (He deserved to die)

The Tsetse flies invaded our car a few miles from the camp.  These awful little buggers bite and make you string together colorful cuss words.

Army Ants

....And let's be clear:  There is nothing funny about "ants in your pants."  A few of these little guys crawled up my leg upon our arrival.  Then they started biting.  Believe me, my pants were off as quick you can say "Robert is your father's brother."

There is nothing like camping in African wilderness with kids.  Eric left with a greater respect for nature, and I left with a new mantra:

Never again.

What Does Eric Do In Zambia?

Our Dad at Work!

Last week I sent my crack team of reporters to the field to document Eric's work for World Vision.

"Mom, I thought when we were going to the 'field', we'd be going to a green grassy place, not driving forever in the car to the middle of nowhere,"  Alex told me later.    

Yes, instead of manicured lawns, I dispatched my kids into the bush, which let's be honest,  looks quite lush and green compared to photos from August.  It's amazing what a lot of rain does to this place.

Zambia in August

Zambia in February

The journey down to Choma is around four hours by car. That's equals about three Ramona Quimby audio books. 

Greetings.

Mom: What did you do while dad was working?

Alex:  I took photos of the kids singing songs and showing me how to play games.  They had "London Bridges Falling Down", but with different words.  

Mom:  And how about you, Isaac?

Isaac:  I threw dirt at the goats with the other boys.

Mom:  Really?  Whose idea was this?

Isaac:  It was mine. 

To his credit,  they were going to throw mud at each other but realized that wouldn't be a great idea.   It's good to know my son has his limits.  Eric claims that he had something to do with that...

Don't worry: no kids were injured by my kids.

Isaac's highlight was picking up a baby goat.  "But Dad made me take a shower when we got back to the hotel," Isaac sighed.  Then he added, "Oh, and I saw a cobra on the trail."

Wait.  A What???

Eric nodded.  "Yeah, I had just asked the staff, 'Where are all of the snakes?  I never see any when I'm out here.'  One of the guys says, 'We just saw one a minute ago--Isaac saw it too--but we didn't make a big deal, because we didn't want Isaac to get all scared.'  Apparently it was about a meter long and as thick as a man's arm. It didn't want any trouble though."  Those are comforting words for a mother to hear...

Mom:  Ok, so Isaac what does dad do at his job?

Isaac:  He told some World Vision workers that he'd give them a medal if they could answer a question correctly.

Eric laughed and clarified.  "You know my World Vision 60th Anniversary brass medallion?  I gave it to someone to be "King/Queen for a Day" based on stellar performance from the day before.  Other people have to serve them tea and they get to be the meeting moderator."   Then he stage whispered, "It's actually more of a responsibility than a reward, but don't tell anyone."

Mom:  Alex, what do you think Dad does?

Alex:  He helps people get clean water by building wells.

Isaac:  Oh yeah!  Remember that yucky water hole?  The animals poop in there and the kids died from diseases like diarrhea.

Alex:  But then World Vision built a well where they could get clean water.

The former water hole

Alex demonstrating the new water pump.

Alex told me a story about the borehole.  "When I went with Isaac down to see the goats, I got stuck in the mud by the stream.  I started crying, because my feet were all muddy.  One of the women helped me.  She pumped some water from the well, took off my shoes, and washed my feet."

I love it that my kids got to see the work of World Vision, but they did a terrible job describing their father's job here.   I can't blame them though, because so have I.  This is my first blog about his work--after 11 months in the country.

In a nutshell Eric is here to innovate.   Sending reports and photos by snail mail is not only cumbersome, expensive and outdated, but it isn't taking advantage of the amazing technology our donors expect.  

Take one project for example: Eric went to Choma to test out the new software he helped design for smart phones.  World Vision's goal is capture and catalogue videos of projects and beneficiaries and Zap! that content to donors across the globe.

That way donors can see that their money is building wells that are changing lives.  And most importantly, there are families in Choma who are very grateful for the gift.

Granted, that's easier said than done.  More on that later.   

Eric's Bread Making Madness

"How can a nation be great if its bread tastes like Kleenex?"  --Julia Child

Eric wants Zambia be a great nation, so in November he made his first loaf of bread.  Since then he's made over 100 artisan loaves. I've been married to this man for nearly a decade, and I'm shocked by his new obsession.  However, looking back I should have noticed the warning signs:

1.  Eric didn't want to make bread from store-bought yeast.  Ohhhhhh, no.  He had to make is own natural yeast starter out of organic grapes from our yard which, as a concept is delightful.  The reality is that it's like caring for another child.  What's more, he created this monster and then went on a business trip, so yours truly had to babysit it for a week.  He was so concerned that I would murder the fermenting glob that he posted this note and urged my daughter to remind me every-single-night not to forget "Daddy's starter."  Which she did. Every. Single. Night.

Care instructions for the Monster

2. Eric bought himself a wheat grinder for Christmas.  The internet insists that commercially ground wheat loses vitamins, but the truth is, you are a better human if you grind your own wheat.  It's even better if you have friends who are organic farmers. Pesticide-free wheat, I'm told, may include some grain weevils.  Here's Wikipedia's fun fact about grain weevils: Females nibble a hole in a kernel, lay an egg, and then seal hole with a "gelatinous secretion."  That's like a superfood on steroids!

The Baker

3. Eric's found like-minded bread fanatics.   While he's converted most of these people himself, he discovered another male, bread-baking kindred spirit after five minutes of meeting him.  They've since exchanged flax seed, crushed soy beans, and sourdough starter.  They may even have a special handshake and t-shirts by now.

My homemade jam makes the bread.

I love to tease my husband, but I must be careful, because the truth is, his bread is the best bread in Zambia.  I sure don't want to be cut off his supply chain, especially when the alternative tastes like Kleenex.

Fun Facts about Mosquitoes

"People who claim they don't let the little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito." 

We've been breeding mosquitoes.  Mind you, it was unintentional.  It was merely a consequence of being über prepared for the occasional water outage in our home, which is a crisis if you have to clean up a kid who has barfed on himself.


Eric, A.K.A. The Problem Solver, has kept a large bucket of water next to our bathtub for such emergencies.  Yesterday when the faucets were dry, Eric scooped some water from the bucket to wash his hands.  That's when he noticed a ton of creepy-crawly-wormy things swimming in the water.

Mosquito larvae (photo from Wikipedia)

Here's what they look like, however this is the equivalent of glamour portrait of these little devils.  Remove the brilliant blue background and add some incessant squirming, and it will give you a better idea of what we saw.


These are mosquito larvae.  This is stage #2 of the life cycle.  First the mama has to lay eggs on the water. Those eggs hatch into these adorable creatures.  After molting four times, they morph into a pupa.  Finally they hatch into a blood-sucking parasite, and the circle of life continues.


Unlike the average person who would immediately dump all 10 gallons of water down the drain and set the bucket on fire, Isaac and I used this opportunity to conduct some science experiments.  Here are our findings:


1) These guys don't necessarily die if you poor bleach into the bucket.
2) They seem to enjoy swimming in beer.
3) They stop squirming if you cut them in half, although the the tail twitches for a few seconds.

So what did we learn from this experience?  I'm going to wash my hands in pure bleach from here on out.

Cyber Monday--Deal of the Day!

This is Mary.

Mary is a tailor with a vision: to help 300 female detainees* in Zambian jails...

Zambian Jail (from Human Rights Watch)

...get access to sanitary napkins.  Right now inmates have nothing.   Some roll up a piece of scrap fabric.  Others dig a hole in the dirt.  Most dread that time of the month.

Mary has compassion for these women...

Tumba Yobisika means "Hidden Pocket"

...and she's designed a cute bag filled with five reusable menstrual pads.

Yes, they are supple!

But wait, it gets better.  Each kit is made by a group of single moms that Mary is training in tailoring.  These tailors are being paid, gaining job skills, and helping out other women in Zambia.

Will you partner with Mary?  $10 buys one kit.  Just $10.  

And guess what?  Your donation is TAX DEDUCTIBLE in the USA. 

Click this link to Chikumbuso's Global Giving Page.  

Mary thanks you very much for your support!  I'll keep you posted on our progress.  Happy shopping!

*Many women are held for years before they are even charged with a crime.

Driver's License--Part 2

"Getting a driver's licence is easy." From Road Transport and Safety Agency of Zambia
Ha! The Road Transport and Safety Agency (RTSA) [pronounced RATS-A] has such a sense of humor!  Here are some other gems from their website:
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What click in people's minds when they hear or think about obtaining a drivers license is the difficulties they are going to face such as long queues that never end and colossal sums of money to pay.   You're kidding... 

YES, they think of spending a lot of money because of approaching wrong persons who have their officers in streets and are not mandated to be issuing drivers license. We promise that you'll spend lots of time and money with legitimate officers...

The procedures are ease and there are no long queues. Muahahahaha.

The good news is that. Mind you, R.T.S.A is your friend and not your enemy. With friends like these...
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So you've memorized your 10 Basic Rules of Driving.  Here's what happens next:


1.  Head on down to the main RTSA office.  You don't know where that is?  Lighten up!  Consider it a scavenger hunt.  Don't look for hints on RTSA's website.  It's not there.

Time: about 4 hours

# of Lines you'll stand in:  8-10

Stuff you'll need:  Originals and copies of work permits, international driver's license, passport, tranquilizers, and cash.

2.  The first thing you'll do is take your theory test.  Someone will quiz you on the 10 Basic Rules of Driving.  If you pass, take your officially stamped sheet and join the hundreds of lost souls trapped in the RTSA labyrinth.


3. After they have sucked your will to live, RTSA will fingerprint and take your photo.  You will need to remove all of your jewelry and look into the camera without smiling.  It's like a crazed mug shot you get to carry with you at all times.

See? Case in point.

Wait, male?  Way to kick me when I'm down.

4. At the end of this you'll be issued a temporary driving license.  Congratulations!


5.  Now you'll need to book your driving test with the RTSA office.  Sorry, you can't schedule that today.  You will need to come back in 24 hours to do this.  BTW the test is held elsewhere, so good luck finding that place.
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The Driving Test--The Last Hurdle


Let's be frank:  the chances of you passing today are slim to none. All I can do is offer you a list of common "traps" the RTSA officers use to fail drivers.


1.  Don't start your test until the officer has his seatbelt on.  You may have to ask him to buckle up.


2.  Drive with your hands at 10 and 2 o'clock, or 8 and 4 o'clock--it depends on the officer.


3.  Never take your hands off the steering wheel.  Even when you are backing up.


4.  When you turn a corner, DO NOT use the hand-over-hand steering method.  Instead, use the "Push-Pull-Slide" method.  Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about.


5.  Oh, and by the way, the official road test route on the RTSA website is apparently a suggestion.


Here's how Eric and I both failed:
The officer asked us to go through an intersection.  There were three unmarked lanes to choose from, and only one went straight.  The "logical" choice turned out to be a left-turn only lane.


Officer:  I asked you to go straight.


Me: I know.  I didn't know this was a turn lane.  What should I do?


Officer:  Well, you could cross the solid white line and get into the correct lane, but that would be BREAKING THE LAW.


Me:  Ok, then I will take a left-hand turn.


Officer:  Why would you do that?


Me:  Because my option is to break the law or take a left and figure out how to get back.


And that's how I failed.  He wrote on my form:  FAIL--Didn't follow instructions.  For the record, Eric broke the law and crossed the solid white line.


Should this happen to you, don't fret.  You just need to go back to the main RTSA office, pay again and reschedule the test.
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In a perfect world, I'd be in charge of Zambian driving tests.  Applicants would have to drive down the road and avoid the following hazards:


Level 1) Garbage thrown from trucks.

Look out below!

Level 2) Street vendors walking down the middle of the highway.

Oranges, anyone?

Level 3) Children darting into traffic.

And blind grandmothers.

Level 4) A herd of spastic goats.

Mahhhhhhhhhhh

If you manage to avoid all of these obstacles, I'll pass you.  If not, don't worry.  I'll allow you to retake the test.  However you'll need to schedule your next appointment at our offices conveniently located in Zimbabwe.